WASHINGTON – April 1, 2024
With a stroke of his magical pen President Biden’s Executive Order expands Medicare coverage to every living American whether they pay taxes or not.
“Health care is a God Given Right. Everyone including white rich people and Republicans will have access NOW!” said the President at the signing ceremony in the Oval Office. “I was raised in Puerto Rico, my father was working in a coal mine, I helped him after school and on the weekends and we struggled to make ends meet. We grew our own food, pepper plants. I invented Tabasco Sauce and sold it to taco stands. That’s where I learned to speak Portuguese with a Spanish accent. We were Blue Collar! That’s where I met my wife who was pregnant at the time. We couldn’t afford medical care so we aborted and headed to another place. God, how I wish we had had health insurance back in those dark days when taxes were low, gas was cheap, and my calvary unit of Dog Face Pony soldiers, which I led from behind with distinction, was on the verge of winning the Civil War!”
According to a high ranking cabinet member the cost of Biden’s Medicare expansion will be borne by rich white people and businesses both large and small. “The cost of Medicare expansion will be paid by rich white people and businesses large and small and the cost will be much less than what companies pay now to insure their workers” said Ms. Mulvaney, Health & Labor Secretary, a former white person “And the benefits will be better.” When questioned by a Fox News correspondent she replied “If you don’t believe me darling, just ask anyone who has implemented Reference Based Pricing over the past decade!
Attending the news conference was a contingent of health care rebels lead by Molly Mulebriar. “We applaud President Biden for his wisdom in recognizing Medicare reimbursement rates are cool. We’ve been saying that all along, for years, with few listening to us. We’re feeling a little embarrassed though. We’ve been paying 20, 30, 40, or 50% more than Medicare on our Reference Based Pricing plans. We should have done better than that!”
According to Mulebriar Biden’s Medicare for All will forevermore change the health benefits world:
- A broker from West Texas has announced he’s closing his brokerage operation and heading to Puerto Rico to work in a Portuguese coal mine.
- Three thousand hospital administrators are co-authoring a book entitled “From Riches To Rags – How we turned sick people into profit centers without even trying”
- A hospital in Florida is moving to an offshore barge to serve rich white people who don’t want to wait in line for months and months for needed orthopedic surgeries. Other hospitals are expected to follow. Barge orders are up.
Not everyone is happy with Biden’s Medicare expansion proclamation.
“Biden’s Medicare for All is going to irreversibly affect campaign contributions” cried an unnamed source. “How are we gonna replace the millions and millions of campaign contributions we have become reliant upon from the medical industrial complex!”
American Journalism – Where Every Day Is April Fools Day
