Employer Announces New Santa Claus Qualified Health Plan For Employees

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“Dear Employee: As you may be aware, Santa Claus has passed a law to help us get affordable health insurance……”

To:                       All Full Time Employees

From:                   Management on Behalf of Santa Claus

Re:                       Group Medical Insurance

As you may be aware, Santa Claus (federal government ) has passed a law that will punish ABC Company with punitive taxes, as much as $2,000 per employee per year, if we do not offer a qualified group health insurance plan for all full time employees. With 250 full time employees our punishment could exceed $450,000 per year.

If forced to accept this punishment we would have to implement two changes as follows (1). Lay off part of our current work force and (2). Reduce current salaries and wages by $450,000 per year.

You too will be punished if you do not purchase a qualified health plan for you and your family. This year your punishment will be:

(A). 2% of household income or

(B). $325 per person plus $162.50 per child (under 18).

But Good News! We have decided to offer a qualified plan that will help both the company and you to avoid Santa Claus’s wrath. Below is a plan Santa Claus has designed for you and your family:


Individual                                    $6,600

Family                                         $13,200

Co-insurance          None – plan pays 100% after deductible

Plan Maximum                          Unlimited

Benefit Frequency Limitations

1. One in-patient hospital stay per 12 months

2. Four office visits per 12 months

Plan Payment

Based on 100% of Medicare allowable or in cases where there is not a Medicare allowable benchmark the plan reimburses based on Reference Based Pricing model or other criteria outlined in the Plan Document. Warning: You may be balanced billed by greedy uncaring medical care givers. So you might want to shop around for prices before you receive care.

Cost                       9.5% of Gross Salary/wages

Note: You do not have to join our health plan. It is completely voluntary. For example, if you have a chronic medical condition, or a large on-going catastrophic health condition you should consider joining the Santa Claus Health Exchange instead of our group medical plan.

The Santa Claus Health Exchange may offer better benefits at a much lower cost and will cover all pre-existing conditions. But beware, greedy uncaring medical care givers you may be seeing now may not be on the Santa Claus network

Important: The big, mean and uncaring insurance companies require 75% participation for health plans to be effective. This means that 188 employees must choose to enroll or we will not have a health insurance plan and Santa Claus will be upset, vindictive and ugly. You don’t want your children to see that happen do you? Nor do we.

So to remedy this, if less than 75% of you do not enroll by Friday, we will step up to the plate and pay 100% of the employee cost and  reduce wages across the board by 9.5%.

We have never told you this before, but in the spirit of Christmas and all things Santa Claus, the real truth is  you have been paying 100% of the company’s health plan costs in the form of lower wages for years. Just thought you should know……………Merry Xmas and vote “informed” next time!

Contributed By Molly Mulebriar