FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Burger King In Acquisition Talks With Blue Cross
Scottsdale, Az – (March 30, 2018) – Burger King, home of the nation’s best, highest in saturated fats mouth watering burgers announced today they are in advanced discussions with Blue Cross on a possible merger.
Spokesman Ron Ziegler of Burger King stated “This move will enable our customers to continue to disregard lifestyle changes that are good for them and bad for us. Over 100 million Blue Cross card holders will received preferential treatment along with significant discounts when they purchase our mouth watering, high calorie burgers in convenient locations throughout the United States. We plan to match the BCBS PPO discounts, 50% off double the price!”
Blue Cross president Molly Mulebriar echoed the enthusiasm. “We too are excited about this possible merger. One major sticking point in our discussions thus far is Burger King’s insistence we change our logo to one of an iconic American burger replete with cheese and bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. We don’t like tomatos!”
If the merger is approved by regulators, BCBS and Burger King will join others in the consolidation merger frenzy of recent months. CVS – Aetna, Humana – Walmart, and others are indications of seismic market realignment.
Inside sources say Amazon is holding closed door takeover talks with majority Burger King Class A stockholders. Unidentified sources say the rumor is untrue. “Amazon employees are health nuts and would tar and feather Bezos if he brings in Burger King. Our Whole Foods employees and management are strongly against the move” stated our usually unreliable source.
A Wendy’s spokesman shrugged off the news. “What else could possibly go wrong with Burger King? Their burgers are horrible, service is poor, and their tomatoes are not domestically grown. How much more can the market digest? Plus, a 50% discount off double the price is a bold move, but one destined for failure. Our burgers have double the beef at half the price!”