September 26, 2010

Memo to all employees

editor’s note

The following memorandum was leaked to us by someone who wishes  anonymity for himself and the firm in question.  
Dear employees:
Great news — you will receive a 15% raise in 2011!!!  If you are one of those “hope and change” types, you will be pleased to learn that your raise will be applied to our health insurance premiums to pay for the medical care of a brain dead illegal immigrant in a permanent vegetative state due to injuries sustained in a shoot-out with police.  If this seems unfair to you, or if you frankly are just sick of working, you may want to consider quitting this job and taking advantage of the federally mandated 99 weeks of unemployment payments.  Don’t worry about the cost — we paid for that too.  If you would like to keep your job and your 15% raise, please express that desire on November 2.
ps.  the new employee in the back office was hired to complete the 50 to 100 1099’s we will have to fill out starting in 2012 to send to every vendor with whom we spend more than $600.  We anticipate hiring more such employees in the future as additional nuggets buried in the health care bill come to light.